"I'm off to Zales to get a Kobe Special" - Tiger Woods (allegedly)

Tiger Woods is way funnier than Jeff Dunham.

According to this site, I will consume a (very conservatively) estimated 4,600 calories in approximately three hours on Thanksgiving. What will I eat, specifically? Well:

One mixed drink, One glass of wine, A glass of cider or juice, A cracker with cheese, Half a cup of mixed, raw veggies, Half a cup of mixed nuts, Three cups salad with diet dressing, Half a cup of waldorf salad, Six ounces of cured ham, Six ounces of white and dark turkey, Half a cup of stuffing, Half a cup of cranberry sauce, Half a cup of mashed potatoes, Half a cup of gravy, Half a cup of sauteed green beans, A dinner roll, A pat of butter, A slice of apple pie, A slice of pecan pie, Half a cup of whipped cream, Half a cup of ice cream, A turkey sandwich with mayo and cranberry sauce, An open-face turkey sandwich with stuffing and gravy.

The communists behind that estimate say I will need to walk 46 miles, 74.19 kilometers, or 92000 steps, to burn it off. Fuck that. I can eat at least 6,000 calories, and I will. God bless America, and jock metabolisms.