Today at work I made the mistake of getting baited by my boss and punching my stupid Twitter account into the "How Hetero?" score thing some Swedish group set up for Pride Week. I don't use Twitter that often, and when I do it's because I'm bored at work or insulting someone or drunk. But whatever, I'm from a college town and I wasn't that shocked by Bruno last night so that means all open-minded and stuff. It shouldn't have bothered me when this was my result:

Now, yeah, it's a computer test, and yeah, I'm perfectly comfortable enough in my straight white dude shoes to think it's a little funny, but 40 PERCENT? SERIOUSLY? This test goes off "keyword frequency," so let's examine the evidence:

"New York" -- The tweet in question is here. It reads, "TIM HORTONS COMING TO NEW YORK CITY!?! FUCKING YES! BRING ON THE MAPLE DIPS, BABY!!" That's right, the donuts, ALL CAPS, and unneccessary profanity may be "hetero," but the fact that I included a Canadian chain puts this one straight in West Hollywood. ... Actually, I agree with that. Touché, Swedes.

"Wilde" -- This is what How Hetero? found: "I particularly enjoy olivia wilde, and would enjoy squiring her about town and sharing conversation and beverages." I imagine How Hetero? flagged "Wilde" because of Oscar Wilde, but then again, Olivia Wilde is a vegan.

"Bless" -- I don't know how using "bless" infers someone's sexuality, but apparently saying "Twitter cares more about Jon & Kate than the Iranian Election. God bless the Internet" means you like dudes. Good to know.

"Shopping" -- Now, this one I agree with. During the Brazil-U.S. Confederations Cup Final, I said I was "Shopping for a Tim Howard jersey" when we were up 2-0. We of course went on to lose to Brazil, meaning I jinxed our team and am the reason we lost. I deserve any misunderstandings I get for that one.

Finally, "Bruce Springsteen" -- I wanted everyone to know that The Gaslight Anthem, one of my favorite bands, was joined on stage at the Glastonbury Festival by Bruce Fucking Springsteen. (Video here, it's great.) And yet, somehow, mentioning The Boss brought me down to 40 percent!? New Jersey must be filled with a bunch of closeted goombas.

I've since taken the liberty of boosting my "How Hetero?" score by Twitter-bombing some words that better suit my lifestyle. And again, I'm more shocked at the egregious miscommunication between "@willedmondson" and "How Hetero?" than upset at being called "60 percent gay." (Come on, I'm not a moron.) But, in conclusion: Shut up, "How Hetero?," and you're on notice, Twitter.